desde que te perdi...

unadressed letters; they're all here. though it's highly likely you'll ever read these, i need to write them. secrets in the wind will no longer do.

22.ene.2012

There’s only a couple hours remaining of your day. I know this is about you, you should be the one making wishes, receiving a gift or two but I need this. Wish me towards you the way I wished to be near you today, I hoped to at least recieve a split second call from an unknown number that would assure me life was still exactly what I believed it to be.

I imagined us in an isolated, heavily forested area covered in snow. We were laying side by side, arms stretched out, my hand holding onto yours, we were having the longest, most silent conversation - I was at peace. It breaks my fucking heart. I still don’t know where you are, where am I to run with these wishes? What hurts most is that I imagine no one noticed the beauty in the day, that no one was there to make it special, that those who were blessed to be around you didn’t even know how blessed they were, they were unaware there were greetings to be passed along, completely oblivious of the fact that today you were able to thank the universe for one more full year of life - as miserable as it may be, you may indeed still be breathing for me.

I feel so disconnected, there’s this distance that I’m unintentionally creating, like the wind picking up stray leaves and carrying them far away from its tree. If only I could get away, but I know this is just me attempting to run away from myself. Tomorrow the routine again, it’s consuming. I know how much longer I can keep it up - I just don’t want to anymore. I need a quick fix, I need hope, I need you to please tell me one of those wishes was wasted on me.

16.dec.2011

Nuestro primer respiró llegó en invierno, tres años de diferencia y allí mismo nos encontramos hace un poco mas de un año. Pronto comenzará el invierno de esté año como también el principio de nuestro fin. Lo siento como una fiebre que llega por culpa de una infección - no hay cura, la infección es muy grande.

Ya no soy yo, por ti he dado, he dado de mas y ahora no tengo mas que dar - ni siquiera puedo pedir prestado. Si algún día te llegó a guardar rencor no será porque me has cambiado, no porque me has hecho daño, ni porque a tu lado sufrí en una manera que jamás me deje sufrir con otro, si no porque has robado de mi. Me has arrebatado una felicidad que por un tiempo estaba mas que segura que estaba a salvo de todo peligro. Ahora espero, contigo aprendí lo que es ser paciente y espero, espero el invierno como siempre, con una tristeza bruta y con un anhelo que me va desgastando poco a poco.

06.oct.2011 ii

I need to clear out, emptiness and lightness are of imperious need, as are mister bukowski and whiskey at this very moment. A week or so ago I was quick to remove numerous things, I was on a mission and a puppy unfortunately trammeled in the mess. I have convinced myself he is in a better home, I forced myself as to avoid a breakdown.

Up until this moment I hadn’t ever made a mistake, or failed, for that matter. I made a mistake and I failed, all at once, it was a painful to say the least. It weighed on me heavily for an entire two weeks but eventually, as anxiety enveloped every inch of me s. became my first once-was. There will be no other mothering attempts, I was right to postpone for so long and in attempting to push myself into it, especially at this point in my life was the purest form of a mistake in my book.

No one is aware of the immensity of the circumstance, it was a big deal to me, it is. The first moment of realization and the last second of the relinquishment were big tear infused blurs, I felt terribly guilty. They said it was just bad timing, it was for the best, it needed to be done in order to accomplish more important things, but it wasn’t impossible - had I tried, had I really put my all into it maybe I truly would’ve found that lifelong companion I dreamed of. I felt like a stupid girl who’d chosen to get pregnant to fix a relationship, like a mother suffering of  postpartum depression, like a california king failure - absolute annihilation, and all within two weeks.

The leaves still continue to fall, the trees keep shaking, there is no peace. I have to remind myself constantly to take it a day at a time, but it’s consuming, I can see myself ruining it all. In getting rid of so much and so quickly I felt I was preparing for something big. I’m convinced I’m close to dying, or at least part of me is. I feel myself rushing to do everything, it’s all so imperative, imaginary deadlines must be met or else! I don’t quite understand it but I’m too busy concentrating on these anxieties that I feel deciphering it can wait at the end of the line with hope and faith. I hope to one day find myself a better home as well.

06.oct.2011

In all the time that has passed, in every person I have met, no one and nothing has come close to calming this storm the way you did. I have been unable to find someone to count on, it’s extraordinarily disheartening. In all honesty, it’s only at this point that it’s become so, in the past this was not an issue, not one bit. I’d made up for the lack of reasons to go on, I halfway convinced myself there was something above and beyond, I knew in my hearts of hearts that I’d eventually find you again - I needed nothing and no one but that conviction. I’ve apparently faded, you’ve disappeared, no one can tell me otherwise, I feel it down to my bones, it’s like a cancer eating at me. I feel the need to leave, to get away because it’s catching up with me. I now crave more, I want, and I want more than anything the love and care you provided, I need taking care of, I want to be saved now and there is no one in this world who’ll be able to perform such miracles. Who’s going to need me the way you did, and vice-versa? You were the one and only person to count on, from the beginning, childhood memories are made of you. There’s no one even around to share this tremondous loss with, I feel desolate. I’m so ready to give everything away, including my name, the one you bore over your heart as proud as the sun every morning. I’m in need now, I don’t know what to do about it, not without the certainty of before. You’re no longer breathing this same air, I felt it far before word arrived and now it refuses to leave. I’m envious of everything around you, wherever you are. I am tortured constantly by the thought of not being there, not being the last person on your mind, the last smile you saw before closing your eyes…I wish someone would tell me where to meet those eyes again.